Sunday, June 7, 2015

Is It True ???

You may have asked this question several times in your lifetime just to confirm whether what you heard was right. Could you ever imagine these three words would change the life of a man forever. Yes, it did. A man nicknamed "BABE" (like from the pig movie) who was from a middle class family, who could enjoy only the meagre needs of life like a "Bajaj Hunk" and a "Maruti Suzuki Sx4". I mean to say...He is poor.
An avid footballer, he mesmerised the world with his new style of playing which earned him the nickname BHOSADALDO (something God used to constantly call him). He didn't believe in running,  so would play the entire game standing at one place. He made sure no one gave him a pass for which he would have to run. He would immediately sit down on the ground and fake an asthma attack which was pretty convincing. He popularized this technique in a match in which he was down with a terrible illness which has killed milllions in India.......DIARRHOEA. The Supari Talao ground has been since then closed for "renovation" citing concerns of possibility of an epidemic.
   It was during graduation that he found his two soul-mate. Their mutual love and respect grew so fast that within a week you could see both of them on his bike and even his car which played only "Yadav Hits". But Babe found out within a few weeks that his soul-mate couldn't fulfil one of his deepest wishes......bczoz the soul-mate was a guy. This caused him to search for alternative human and non-human (read dolls) options. His next door air-hostess "hideout" was something he discovered out of the blue when he was apparently searching for a "visual treat"  in the sky with his telescope. It was a visual treat alright....just more closer to the earth....about three floors higher.
Though voyeurism is illegal, I'll just shove this off by saying this, "all is fair in love and war (and sex) !!!"
In between all this emotional confusion in his mind, Babe never realized he was slowly falling for a silent girl in class. She wasn't vocally challenged, she was just the silent introvert types. Since he loved to talk, the idea of a girl who listens more than she talks, blew his mind. It was the one-way traffic kinda love where the girl had no idea what was going through Babe's mind. This love grew for 3 years before his 'pain-in-the-ass' buddies decided to play a prank on him which would officially end this unofficial relationship.
The 'silent girl' was told to ask the "three words" to Babe, the reaction to which we didn't expect to turn out this way. The moment he heard this he started sweating, I had never seen him sweat this much even during a football game and I swear I saw his pupils dilate rapidly. The rumour that he may have peed his pants hasn't been proved till date. This was the first time I saw him speechless more due to fear rather than happiness/sadness. Well the situation ended when he made a fool out of himself shouting a loud "NOOO......". That was the end of that love story.
He discovered that the relationship ended even though he didn't do anything. So, he decided that would be his life's motto," Do Nothing". We all thought he would end up ruining his life over this failed love affair but apparently he was hired by a top firm (name withheld for fear of praising the firm too much) for the same motto. Now he is paid close to Rs 900000/-  per annum to do nothing. That may not be entirely true but his friends surely do think that he isn't doing anything because you can find him enjoying a holiday every alternate month. I don't think even the Ambanis get to do that.

If you ever find a "ball" dancer riding something that looks a bull with a skinny (not any more) guy holding him passionately from behind, you should know YOU JUST SAW THE BABE.

Monday, May 18, 2015

This is BEIT 2011

When you see about 15 people laugh for no reason
They don't care for the time nor the season
When one amongst them gets constantly teased
And all the others look pleased
When they discuss football on a strategic level
But can't properly kick even a pebble
When the same ghisa-pita jokes are received with an applause
suddenly they abuse each other without any cause
When one man is blamed for all the worldly disasters
And his neighbours thigh is in plasters
When one is solving dangerous crimes
and his neighbour is trying to get his portfolio in the Times
When one is blessing people as if he were God
And his neighbour is trying to prove his love is not fraud
When all one guy is thinking is about his wife
And the others are complaining why there isn't a girl in their life
When the guys educate the girls about sex
And get a response, "then what next?"
This is when you know
BEIT2011 is on the go !!!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Have...... you met GOD ???




Have you seen the movie "The Man from Earth?", have you heard of people who are trying to become immortal (I recently discovered that someone had tried to become immortal even in CID and it was not long before Dr. Salunkhe and ACP Pradhyuman discovered the secret.......not wonder the series has been running for so long, they are freaking immortal).  Now coming back to the topic........(silence....drum roll......voila) I have met that guy.
Yes you heard right, he is alive and here right in India. It was only by chance that a few people discovered his secret. He is a humble (not really) guy who severely condemns any wrong activities and believes in tit for tat punishments along with abuses which is released from his mouth like an A R Rahman melody (If you don't believe me you an ask the bandra auto rickshaw drivers). He is not really keen to show his powers to the world but his aura alone has got him atleast one beautiful and faithful disciple (in order to protect her safety, we'll call her Chachi). The first indication of his immortality was when he shared with us that he used to own a tortoise which had died due to old age, only recently. He also said that he used to love him when he had just come out of his egg. When we realized that a tortoise usually lives for about a 100-125 years and to own him for that long means he too had to be old.....very old. The moment these words left his mouth he realized his secret was out but he tried to play it cool.
The second sign was when one day out of the blue he thundered on Davil when he heard what devastation his evil powers had caused. It was a Mahabharat moment where imaginary arrows were let out by God and Davil and they clashed with each other with a thunder and an explosion.
The third and final  sign was actually noticed because of a series of  events. Since we are talking about BEIT'11 it has to be regarding football. When we started playing football we hadn't considered taking GOD to play in our team because he looked more like Anil Kumble and we thought he would be better in cricket.....but he proved us all wrong. When he started running on the field it looked more like a "Age-defying act" rather than a "death-defying act" like we usually say. He seemed to be everywhere on the field. Looking at his feat someone mentioned that it looked almost "divine" and truly divine it was because till then we didn't know that we had GOD on our side. It was only fitting that he scored the only goal for BEIT'11 and in the post celebration he actually flew for a few seconds but people failed to notice that because everyone was finding it difficult to digest the fact that we had scored.
GOD had only one limitation that he could grant only one wish per day. Incidentally on the day of our final match even Manchester United had a do-or-die  match and he thought it better to grant them their wish for a victory. Needless to say....we lost.
People live an entire lifetime without even thinking of the possibility of finding peace. We actually found GOD...that doesn't mean that we found peace though. The only species who weren't affected by GOD's powers were 'female human beings' and so the rest of the team has stopped praying to him because he wouldn't...no...he couldn't fulfil our wishes.
ZINDAGI ABHI BHI PYAARI HAIN,
SAPNE ABHI BHI JAARI HAIN,
LADKI MILE NA MILE,
GOD SE ABHI BHI HUMAARI YAARI HAIN.



Friday, November 14, 2014

TIGERTURN - THE MAN WHO DARED !!!!

                                  He is the man who has sworn to bring love i.e women into the lives of his teammates from the "Best Football Team". He is prepared to dive headfirst in order to save his friends from the long term jinx of being single.

                                  The 'Best Football Team' on their first professional appearance had taken the football world by storm when they held the reigning champs (no they weren't) to a draw. This hurt the rival team so much that they cursed my team players that they would remain single forever. The power of this curse was so much that one player broke up with his gf while one turned gay. A few of them who survived this curse did so because there was something extraordinary in their lives. One was God while the other's gf knew karate, so he had no choice but to stay committed.

                                   When consulted, 'God' who was on a Mexico trip at that time responded through his official FB page that the curse would be overcome only when a team member gets an arranged marriage. He asked for volunteers........not one hand came up. When someone asked God why he himself would not volunteer to save his faithful subjects, he responded by saying, " Chutiya samjha hain kya....... tu Chachi ko nahi jaanta, maar degi mujhe....... even though woh mujhe Bhagwaan maanti hain."

                                     Six years passed with no taking the bait for an arranged marriage. Time was running out, everyone was getting older, the seriousness of the topic increased with each meeting of the team. Everyone wanted to escape the curse but no one was willing to risk his life for it. In between all this confusion, one man decided ' Enough is Enough'. He couldn't bear to see the despair on his friends' faces. he decided to take one for the team.

"He Laughed.......He Laughed like never before....... the high pitched laughter shattering the silence and sending spine chilling tremors on everyone's body.

On knowing his decision his teammates tried to dissuade him from it even though secretly they were happy for theit own lives. But No !!!! His mind was made up...he was ready.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

BEING SINGLE

Another hour, another month, another year has passed
Being Single has left you outclassed
Then out of the blue your phone rings
A girl, wow, its like Red Bull just gave you wings.
Lengthy conversations take your time
Just wrote this line to make it rhyme
Likes and dislike of your Goddess are known
Every minute, pigeons, with whatsapp msgs tied to their legs, are flown
You meet her for coffee, you pay the bill
The exhilaration makes you feel that you just climbed a hill
Your mind is filled with a beautiful dream
Not like the nightmare which make you scream
You end up getting married and live a happy life
You are so lucky you got an amazing wife
A wife who wakes you up with the morning tea
How more happy can you be
Then the alarm rings, you wake up
Your heart skips a beat as you see the empty cup
Another hour, another month, another year has passed
Being single has left you where you are.

Doctor HOO

You may have heard about Dr.Who a legend in the TV circles, but there are much better and much wackier docs out there..... in the real world. Dr Hoo or Dr Winnie the Pooh is one such nutcase. A female doc who, in no ways by her actions or words, justifies her gender. Her height too perhaps complements her excessive talking abilities. It is not usually a good thing for a girl to be the tallest human in class, that too in India. Not just in one class, probably every class she took which earned her the nickname "lambi" and no its not glamorous or sweet like "bambi".

Dr. Hoo as a child was brilliant in studies, to the point of being called a "nerd". Though on personal experience about her attitude she could've been named "Bookworm Bitch" but I believe that title's  already been claimed by another website more popular than FB I think. Her classmates thought she would probably take up wrestling and show them how to break bones. She surprised everyone by becoming a Doc who was also an exceptional dancer. She showed that it was more fun bending these bones as a dancer and mending them as a Doc.

When you look at the way she talks about her fascination for the "Bullet Bikes" and Army jeeps, if you didn't know she was a girl you might have troubling accepting it. On the other hand she can probably beat all the guys at hurling abuses too. A beauty with a killer smile (that helps in hiding her notoriety), she is a pampered spoilt brat.

But don't let these facts take your attention away from her real intention. She is the black sheep of the Doctors community. She has a dangerous and ambitious plan to rule the world by making every other human her slave. Becoming a Doc was just to act as a screen to disguise her real thoughts. She is being helped in her master plan by a psycho pharmacist friend who has apparently come up with a drug which when ingested would, over a period of time make those humans her slaves. But since the time for the drug to take effect is long it would be necessary to give them to others when they are young.

After a lot of deliberation Dr. Hoo found the perfect disguise for her plans to succeed. After a long brainstorming session with her sidekick...she decided the best solution to her problem would be to become a pediatrician, thus she could access little humans and give them the drug and by the time they grow up they would completely be under her control.

P.S : She is currently looking for people to finance her plan. Contributions are to be in the name of this blog's owner. I swear I'll give it to her. Maa kasam....



Thursday, October 2, 2014

Babua Jasoos


This isn't some film by utv movie or Yrf starring some actors who don't have a clue bout 'jasoosi'. This is d real deal guys. He is d inspiration behind TV series Byomkesh Bakshi and Sherlock Holmes.

The TV series were named Byomkesh Yadav and Sherlockva Sharma, but in order to protect his identity the characters had to be given names that don't lead back to him. He has many a names, many disguises that he used to gain info bout a criminal n put him behind bars. Most of the culprits are waiters at dance bars but he had to move to Hyderabad since d closure of dance bars in Mumbai.

Even in his childhood Babua knew he was different. He knew he was destined to fly high. He has been working on them damn 'wings' ever since, but all in vain. He was a difficult child who was more interested in d outside world rather than at home. Every time he went out of d house, the relief on his parents face was evident n they used to celebrate his every outing. They still do even today.

He is a connoisseur of d human body. When it comes to a voluptuous body being male or female does not restrict his choice. It is quite evident from d 2 voluptuous beings in his life, one who dumped his ass for another and the other who drives an SX4. His interest in d human body can also be seen from d famous abdomen exercise that he invented..... That's right he invented it. Its called the "Baithi thi re Baithi thi" Ab pro exercise. Only a few selected ppl r privileged to know this routine n they have sworn to protect this secret to their grave.

When it comes to jasoosi, his talents were revealed during his 4 yr undercover operation at an engg college. His portrayal of a young guy who is a failure at love, who flirts with any gal in front of him, who befriended a "babe" for his Hunk n SX4 was beyond comparison.

He was d first one who made the connection between the dreaded "Davil" and the terrible incidents he caused n also d amazing talent of "The Sin". He also created a cricket team which was destined to win the IPL but couldn't due to financial troubles. It was called "Yadav Yaadgar".

Babua truly became a jasoos when he caught the dreaded "cell phone thief" using just his ear.
You heard me...... His Ear.
An internationally recognised software firm troubled by this thief had requested Babua for his help.

He undertook his 2nd undercover job by acting as an employee of d firm. He left his home in search fr justice (Yes,  his parents had started celebrating) for d ppl who had just lost their alternate screen for watching porn. Within no time he realised d thefts took place in a dormitory. Ppl lost their phones which were kept on d bed n by d time they woke up from a nap, their phone was gone.

Babua decided to lay a trap putting his own phone in d line of danger. He pretended to sleep with d mobile right next to him. He had worked out all d details of d plan but still he was robbed. The only flaw in his plan was that he didn't realise he'd fall asleep. Needless to say the thief got d better of him.

Since he was not paid in advance n all his money was lost on "Yadav yaadgar" he had to lay his second trap only using a phone cover. He tied d cover to his ear left it on d bed n waiting fr d thief to strike. This was it.....It was now or never.

Suddenly he felt a tug at his ear, at first he didn't realise that it was d thief at work. The moment it struck him, he decided it was his time to fly. His "wings" have him enough strength to knock out d thief with one blow. A few abuses and punches later, the thief confessed. His amazing work earned him d nickname "Babua Jasoos".

The police on knowing bout his extraordinary talent requested him to join d IPS. The huge amount of studies made him think

"Itna pad sakta toh IIT mein hota, CRCE mein nahi."

He is still working at d software firm, undercover of course. He is waiting for other  exciting cases .... A new job. Babua Jasoos is waiting for ur call. He can be reached at  babuajasoos@yadavhits.com