Friday, November 14, 2014

TIGERTURN - THE MAN WHO DARED !!!!

                                  He is the man who has sworn to bring love i.e women into the lives of his teammates from the "Best Football Team". He is prepared to dive headfirst in order to save his friends from the long term jinx of being single.

                                  The 'Best Football Team' on their first professional appearance had taken the football world by storm when they held the reigning champs (no they weren't) to a draw. This hurt the rival team so much that they cursed my team players that they would remain single forever. The power of this curse was so much that one player broke up with his gf while one turned gay. A few of them who survived this curse did so because there was something extraordinary in their lives. One was God while the other's gf knew karate, so he had no choice but to stay committed.

                                   When consulted, 'God' who was on a Mexico trip at that time responded through his official FB page that the curse would be overcome only when a team member gets an arranged marriage. He asked for volunteers........not one hand came up. When someone asked God why he himself would not volunteer to save his faithful subjects, he responded by saying, " Chutiya samjha hain kya....... tu Chachi ko nahi jaanta, maar degi mujhe....... even though woh mujhe Bhagwaan maanti hain."

                                     Six years passed with no taking the bait for an arranged marriage. Time was running out, everyone was getting older, the seriousness of the topic increased with each meeting of the team. Everyone wanted to escape the curse but no one was willing to risk his life for it. In between all this confusion, one man decided ' Enough is Enough'. He couldn't bear to see the despair on his friends' faces. he decided to take one for the team.

"He Laughed.......He Laughed like never before....... the high pitched laughter shattering the silence and sending spine chilling tremors on everyone's body.

On knowing his decision his teammates tried to dissuade him from it even though secretly they were happy for theit own lives. But No !!!! His mind was made up...he was ready.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

BEING SINGLE

Another hour, another month, another year has passed
Being Single has left you outclassed
Then out of the blue your phone rings
A girl, wow, its like Red Bull just gave you wings.
Lengthy conversations take your time
Just wrote this line to make it rhyme
Likes and dislike of your Goddess are known
Every minute, pigeons, with whatsapp msgs tied to their legs, are flown
You meet her for coffee, you pay the bill
The exhilaration makes you feel that you just climbed a hill
Your mind is filled with a beautiful dream
Not like the nightmare which make you scream
You end up getting married and live a happy life
You are so lucky you got an amazing wife
A wife who wakes you up with the morning tea
How more happy can you be
Then the alarm rings, you wake up
Your heart skips a beat as you see the empty cup
Another hour, another month, another year has passed
Being single has left you where you are.

Doctor HOO

You may have heard about Dr.Who a legend in the TV circles, but there are much better and much wackier docs out there..... in the real world. Dr Hoo or Dr Winnie the Pooh is one such nutcase. A female doc who, in no ways by her actions or words, justifies her gender. Her height too perhaps complements her excessive talking abilities. It is not usually a good thing for a girl to be the tallest human in class, that too in India. Not just in one class, probably every class she took which earned her the nickname "lambi" and no its not glamorous or sweet like "bambi".

Dr. Hoo as a child was brilliant in studies, to the point of being called a "nerd". Though on personal experience about her attitude she could've been named "Bookworm Bitch" but I believe that title's  already been claimed by another website more popular than FB I think. Her classmates thought she would probably take up wrestling and show them how to break bones. She surprised everyone by becoming a Doc who was also an exceptional dancer. She showed that it was more fun bending these bones as a dancer and mending them as a Doc.

When you look at the way she talks about her fascination for the "Bullet Bikes" and Army jeeps, if you didn't know she was a girl you might have troubling accepting it. On the other hand she can probably beat all the guys at hurling abuses too. A beauty with a killer smile (that helps in hiding her notoriety), she is a pampered spoilt brat.

But don't let these facts take your attention away from her real intention. She is the black sheep of the Doctors community. She has a dangerous and ambitious plan to rule the world by making every other human her slave. Becoming a Doc was just to act as a screen to disguise her real thoughts. She is being helped in her master plan by a psycho pharmacist friend who has apparently come up with a drug which when ingested would, over a period of time make those humans her slaves. But since the time for the drug to take effect is long it would be necessary to give them to others when they are young.

After a lot of deliberation Dr. Hoo found the perfect disguise for her plans to succeed. After a long brainstorming session with her sidekick...she decided the best solution to her problem would be to become a pediatrician, thus she could access little humans and give them the drug and by the time they grow up they would completely be under her control.

P.S : She is currently looking for people to finance her plan. Contributions are to be in the name of this blog's owner. I swear I'll give it to her. Maa kasam....



Thursday, October 2, 2014

Babua Jasoos


This isn't some film by utv movie or Yrf starring some actors who don't have a clue bout 'jasoosi'. This is d real deal guys. He is d inspiration behind TV series Byomkesh Bakshi and Sherlock Holmes.

The TV series were named Byomkesh Yadav and Sherlockva Sharma, but in order to protect his identity the characters had to be given names that don't lead back to him. He has many a names, many disguises that he used to gain info bout a criminal n put him behind bars. Most of the culprits are waiters at dance bars but he had to move to Hyderabad since d closure of dance bars in Mumbai.

Even in his childhood Babua knew he was different. He knew he was destined to fly high. He has been working on them damn 'wings' ever since, but all in vain. He was a difficult child who was more interested in d outside world rather than at home. Every time he went out of d house, the relief on his parents face was evident n they used to celebrate his every outing. They still do even today.

He is a connoisseur of d human body. When it comes to a voluptuous body being male or female does not restrict his choice. It is quite evident from d 2 voluptuous beings in his life, one who dumped his ass for another and the other who drives an SX4. His interest in d human body can also be seen from d famous abdomen exercise that he invented..... That's right he invented it. Its called the "Baithi thi re Baithi thi" Ab pro exercise. Only a few selected ppl r privileged to know this routine n they have sworn to protect this secret to their grave.

When it comes to jasoosi, his talents were revealed during his 4 yr undercover operation at an engg college. His portrayal of a young guy who is a failure at love, who flirts with any gal in front of him, who befriended a "babe" for his Hunk n SX4 was beyond comparison.

He was d first one who made the connection between the dreaded "Davil" and the terrible incidents he caused n also d amazing talent of "The Sin". He also created a cricket team which was destined to win the IPL but couldn't due to financial troubles. It was called "Yadav Yaadgar".

Babua truly became a jasoos when he caught the dreaded "cell phone thief" using just his ear.
You heard me...... His Ear.
An internationally recognised software firm troubled by this thief had requested Babua for his help.

He undertook his 2nd undercover job by acting as an employee of d firm. He left his home in search fr justice (Yes,  his parents had started celebrating) for d ppl who had just lost their alternate screen for watching porn. Within no time he realised d thefts took place in a dormitory. Ppl lost their phones which were kept on d bed n by d time they woke up from a nap, their phone was gone.

Babua decided to lay a trap putting his own phone in d line of danger. He pretended to sleep with d mobile right next to him. He had worked out all d details of d plan but still he was robbed. The only flaw in his plan was that he didn't realise he'd fall asleep. Needless to say the thief got d better of him.

Since he was not paid in advance n all his money was lost on "Yadav yaadgar" he had to lay his second trap only using a phone cover. He tied d cover to his ear left it on d bed n waiting fr d thief to strike. This was it.....It was now or never.

Suddenly he felt a tug at his ear, at first he didn't realise that it was d thief at work. The moment it struck him, he decided it was his time to fly. His "wings" have him enough strength to knock out d thief with one blow. A few abuses and punches later, the thief confessed. His amazing work earned him d nickname "Babua Jasoos".

The police on knowing bout his extraordinary talent requested him to join d IPS. The huge amount of studies made him think

"Itna pad sakta toh IIT mein hota, CRCE mein nahi."

He is still working at d software firm, undercover of course. He is waiting for other  exciting cases .... A new job. Babua Jasoos is waiting for ur call. He can be reached at  babuajasoos@yadavhits.com

Potty Diaries



Every morning there is that pressure,
To release that precious treasure,
The path to the palace is full of troubles,
You run through jungles and even kids blowing bubbles,
Your speed might put Usain Bolt to shame,
But d journey ends only with relief n not fame,
You may use the western throne or the Indian black hole,
All that matters is you reach it before you are on a roll.

Have a blast..... If u know what I mean.


Thursday, May 22, 2014

HOPE

I never knew the importance of this word, I never knew the impact that this word has....until it happened to me, until I had to put my entire faith on this word alone. Hope.

It could never be a good thing to hear from the doctor, "Son, you may just have to change your occupation, because I don't think you may be able to do even one pull-up." I could still see my shoulder hanging out of its socket, my skin stretched beyond belief, mind-numbing pain flowing through my body and I m thinking,"My life has just ended, my career is over, I won't be able to do this anymore". I found myself praying, I found myself hoping that this was all just a dream, I hoped if I could just ask a wish, a wish to turn back time...just a few hours, just enough to find my body in a good state, just enough to stop myself from crying, just enough to have faith..once again.

Me and Albert used to joke about this word, used to take it lightly, but we both have had our share of brutal injuries, when we had only this word to help us through the pain. More than the physical pain, it was the psychological torcher of the inability to use our body as we wished.

The frustration is unimaginable when your parents have to help you in tasks you never imagined you would require help in, the shame is unbearable, all the male ego creeps in and you tend to get angry at the people who help you and show pity at you. I say this because I did.....treated my friends and parents terribly.

I hoped this would all end. I hoped for better days. It kept me alive, motivated....every bit of pain during that physiotherapy, every tear that dropped, every drop of sweat I lost made it worth it. When I thought maybe I cant do it, hope is what kept me from giving up.

Every day I got better, every day had its share of challenges and setbacks but that's what made the journey memorable.
I am better, I am much better than I was before.

All you need is to believe in yourself,  a little bit of hope and faith and hard work and then life would do the rest.

Hope....it may just work.


Thursday, December 19, 2013

The World's Best Football Team

When you read the title I am pretty sure the first thought that comes to your mind must be, "Pooh, its just another post about all the famous international players and a dream team". I would partially agree to that, it is surely a dream team but it consists not of the international players. It is comprised of a small group of amateurs who called themselves


Main Main Log United



 (the 'united' is just to please 2 kaptis)


This team had its own share of Messis and Ronaldos who were nicknamed Massi and Bhosadaldo for their skills. While one was a defender, the other was the striker. What characterized them as great players was their dedication to the game, while one broke his hand while trying to execute a difficult manoeuvre which even the great Messi fears to do, the other played an entire game while he was ill with a terrible illness ( read loose motions). I m pretty sure he never used those underpants ever again.


We even had our own Gianluigi Buffon, an expert goalkeeper and an even brilliant engineer. The only problem was that the rest of the team wasn't sure whether he was playing for them or the opposition due to some controversial hand movements which led to the opposition scoring almost in every match. Why I mentioned him being an engineer was that he had a unique ability, he could lock his knee at one place and stay that way.


Lets talk about our star striker, an experienced ( by that I mean old....really old...he outlived his pet turtle) and surprisingly agile Wayne Rooney fan. He was the one who opened the goal account of the team that too against one of the strongest oppositions, though not much later he had to retire from the sport due to family commitments and  well.......age.

Mr. Bhosadaldo was the hunk driving - ball dancing - adult movie loving free kick expert of our team. His 'untiring' effects on the ground were very well noticed by everyone around for which he was provided with more than one 'GOD'ly praises.

Our midfielders were the real stars of our team, the sprinters, expert ball controllers, thigh bone breakers.....you name it, they had done it. 

The Harry Potter lookalike, love-troubled white boy who sprinted like Milkha Singh and ensured he was omnipotent on the ground. 
The tall lanky (not anymore)left-winger, Mr. Maan who technically was among the top 3 players in the team whose undying devotion to the game saw him break his leg, get operated for hernia and made him experience how to use crutches (which landed him the highest paid job from amongst the team, though he would never accept it, if you don't believe me ask Babua)

We then come to Mr. Babua, the anti-love, six pack, sad hits superstar who managed to convert all his anger for his ex to the game and made scintillating displays, he even doubled up as a goalkeeper when our Buffon lost the key to his knee and it stayed locked.

Lets not forget our own Ryan Giggs, his sole focus was the ball so much so that he would refuse to recognize his own teammates at night to the point of asking, "Who are you?" while pointing a torch at their faces. 
Finally the star midfielder, 'The Sin' who managed to get people off their seats with his tricks/antics and skills and managed to survive a murder attempt on him when 'the earth' tried to hit a iron made volleyball post on his head.

The entire team knows that the team wouldn't be this good had it not been for their defenders who, lets face it, touched the ball more than the rest of the team because of the superb passing amongst themselves. Who did you think taught Pep Guardiola all that stuff? The defenders manage to frustrate the opposition and well, their own team by keeping the ball in their own half for most of the game.


The right side of the defense was held by Massi who mesmerized the other team with his exquisite jogging style and ball clearance. 

We had Mr. TigerTurn in the center, who was the backbone of the defensive lineup, who laughs like a tiger's roar and who with his brute physical strength used to terrorize the strikers. If he didn't get to hit the ball, he would surely make it up by hitting the players shin and add an abuse to it.
We also had the other 'superstar actor-dancer-duet singer-director-nose rubber' tall center back whose throw was so great that he used to take the free-kicks and goal kicks using his hand. This talent of his made him a celebrity in the local football leagues.

The substitutes who really made up during the loss of our regular players deserve an applause. 

We have 'Mr. Father of the Nation' whose undying spirit on and off the field was well appreciated, especially for the photographs and videos which made us review the oppositions strategy and our own on tape.
We have our own national 'Golf Champion-bike rider- chocolate fingered boy'  whose calm demeanour fooled the other team when he knocked out their star striker with a foot to his gut. He took immediate retirement from the game as the ring which kept him calm was lost during that game.
Our south Indian Anna charmed everyone with his ability to run in straight lines without any consideration for the goal post.

As for me, I would just say

I had the privilege to captain the "World's Best Football Team